If I Hear That Kaizer Chiefs Song One More Time.....

...but seriously, fair play to ya Ruby ya boy ya!

When the bean counters in Paddy Power Plc come to tot up their annual harvest of broken dreams and misused childrens allowance cheques, they'll find themselves EUR 80 short this year.

"What's the problem Jenkins?"

"Sir, it-it-it's the vast annual profits...."

"Well? Spit it out you blithering idiot!"

"They're....you see....well, they're 80 euro short."

"Good God man! Have you gone stark raving bonkers - it's not possible?!"

"It appears that one of the customers did us good and proper at Cheltenham...took us for 80 big ones. Sir, are you okay? You've gone a funny colour......"

Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Rubaaaay!

Be Like Jeremy Bray - Let's Hit The Bookies For Six

What a day! Ireland snatch a thrilling draw in their opening Cricket World Cup match and TSA busts hard cash out of Paddy Power's high security vaults!

At a time of the year when to be Irish is to be drunk, the pasty-fleshed conga-liners in Kingston Town joined forces with the ne'er-do-well hordes at Cheltenham to get Paddy's weekend off to suitably oiled start. Now let's extract some more beer money from the reeling Mr.Power.

Inglis Drever did the business yesterday (many thanks to the good Reverend) but in general the policy of backing horses with nice names proved surprisingly flawed. Vic Venturi sleeps with the fishes, Thisthatandtother is easier on the space bar than the wallet, Madison du Berlais was too busy thinking about gentleman callers and Glen Campbell didn't even turn up, Rhinestone Cowboy instead being ridden by a small Irishman who wasn't even wearing a stetson.

But there's no need for any kooky system today. There is only one, two word question: Kauto Star? My answer is Yes! The horse who has won all before him this winter and is being touted as the heir to Best Mate's National Hunt superstar status is causing palpitations amongst the heavy-hitters trackside due to having clobbered fences to win at Kempton and Newbury.

Rather like Paul Gascoigne in the 1991 F.A. Cup final, his talent is so immense that he can only beat himself.

But you won't find me cowering in fear. I believe that, rather than go diving into Gary Charles' knee like Gascoigne, Kauto Star will imitate that other flawed genius, Diego Maradona, and glide past his rivals like they were so many toiling English defenders. The whole stake, thirty lids, on Ruby to bring home the bacon.

Cheltenham Episode 3: The Punter Strikes Back

Shortly after I decided to place a whopping EUR 30 per day on the order in which some quadripeds (about whom I possessed only half-baked, hearsaid information) passed a fence-post in a field somewhere in the English countryside, I started to feel nervous.

A possible loss of EUR 120? Calamity upon possible calamities! What would that crazy money buy me? Seven copies of My Defence by Ashley Cole! Three tickets to Jason Donovan's eagerly awaited upcoming concert in Vicar St! Two of those nifty panini makers that I've been eyeing up for some time! Approximately 3.5 goats for an African village to do with what they saw fit!

And so on. All better causes than putting foie gras on Paddy Power's table.

Thankfully though, after two thrilling days of gambling, I've kept my stake and have the price of my bus fare home to boot. Bread and water for you Mr.Power!

Day three is when I make my big play. Today I try a different tack, however. Hearing the voice of my old Jedi master, Obi Wan McCririck, in my ear, instructing me to "use the force, Tom", I have decided to forego the pretense that I have any understanding of the form. Instead, I will stare at the cards until winners suggest themselves to me, simply by the pleasing quality of their names.

In the 2.00 Jewson Novices Handicap I notice an old pal of mine from running the numbers game outta Philly, Vic Venturi. He had his finger in a lot of pies - racketeering, girls, protection - helluva nice guy though. EUR 3 e/w on the paisan at 12/1.

Monet's Garden (the name of the favourite in the 2.35 Ryanair Chase) doesn't sound like a my kind of place. An old French bloke sitting around staring at waterlilies - non merci! Instead I smile on the old racing convention of horse names taking a phrase and running the words into each other: Thisthatandtother gets EUR 3 e/w at 12/1, benefitting as well from the use of a Yorkshireism.

In today's feature race at 3.15, the Ladbrokes World Hurdle, I'm drawn to another old friend, Inglis Drever, a Church of Scotland minister from Inverarie who once offered me spiritual counsel, in the form of a 30-year-old bottle of Balvenie he kept sequestered in the sacristy. Tenner on his purple nose at 4/1.

The 4.00 Racing Post Plate Handicap is a veritable menagerie of exotic sounding creatures, featuring the likes of Reveillez, Opera Mundi, Le Volfoni and, er, Big Rob. Madison Du Berlais gets our EUR 3 e/w for sounding like the tragic heroine in a Tennessee Williams play.

Our final EUR 2 e/w goes on Rhinestone Cowboy in the last (5.20), the Pertemps Handicap Hurdle Final, because of the picture in my head of Glen Campbell, resplendent in stetson and deep mahogany tan, riding his horse through the winners enclosure like it was a star-spangled rodeo.

In Your Face Mr.Bookmaker Man!

It makes the world go round folks, so they say. And after yesterday TSA is rolling in the green stuff: EUR 7.50 to be exact, pure profit extracted from the grim death-grip of the bookies. Despite being party to the gazillions flushed away on Detroit City in yesterday's Champion Hurdle, we side-stepped Paddy Power's greedy embrace with a place for Granit Jack and a winner in My Way de Solzen.

However, before going off to the local Bentley dealership, let's see how our tiny acorn of EUR 30 will be turned into the mighty oak of copious lucre this afternoon...

The Ballymore Properties Novices Hurdle gets things underway at 2.00. I'll be avoiding the favourite Aran Concerto in this one, mainly because of regular jockey Paul Carberry's withdrawal through injury.

Of course, the fact that Champion Jockey Tony McCoy takes the mount is some consolation, but I'm going with the attitude that a horse and rider should be like Torvill and Dean: telepathically in tune with each other, but with absolutely no romantic involvement.

So EUR 5 on the nose for Silverburn at around 5/1 here, another from Paul Nicholls stable. I'm also going to drizzle a little EUR 2.50 e/w on My Turn Now at 9/1 who has had a good season so far.

This year's banker, Denman (in the 2.35 Royal & Sun Alliance Chase) owes me one. That's because he was last year's banker too, you see. And TSA went in HEAVY. I believe 'waded in' is the term. The blighter came second. With bankers like that, I'm off to Permanent TSB.

But far be it from me to hold a grudge against a dumb animal (takes one to know one, they say). So my marquee EUR 10 bet is on Denman at the miserly 5/4. But I'm chucking on top of this a EUR 5 double with Newmill (3/1) in the Queen Mother Champion Chase (3.15).

Well Chief is the hot favourite for the Queen Mammy, but has just come off a two year injury lay-off. His price is based on a brilliant comeback at Newbury last time out, but people who know about these things say that it's not unusual for a horse to overperform in his first race back.

Going against yesterday's warning to avoid the final race of the day, we're plumping our last farthings on Den of Iniquity (10/1) EUR 2.50 e/w in the Champion Bumper at 5.20.

He's won very well on his outings so far and doesn't mind softish ground. I know, I've asked him. I said, "do you mind softish ground?" He replied "Naaaaay."

Abandon Hope All Punters Who Enter Here

Shall I just leave the shirt on my back here, Mr.Bookmaker? I also have the kids' college fund, will you be needing that also? Yes? No problem, really, I insist. And my dignity? Well....right you are, it's a fair price....

Christmas for grown-ups? Or an almighty scam cooked-up by the gambling industry to fleece the completely ignorant but eminently excitable out of their hard-earned?

Being completely ignorant but eminently excitable myself I am all for the Cheltenham Festival, which for four days every year manages to trick me into believing my knowledges of horses stretches further than Mr.Ed's christian name.

This week I will be starting with 30 shiny euros, and, after carefully studying the form, will probably place them on whoever Ruby Walsh is riding. By the end of the week, all going well, I will only have one or two men with baseball bats outside my door.

Today is Champion Hurdle day, arguably the race of the week given the withdrawals from the Gold Cup field. In the 2.00 Supreme Novices Hurdle I will be ignoring the mean odds on Amaretto Rose and plumping for Granit Jack at around tens. The French horse is from Paul Nicholls' stable, Ruby has elected to ride him instead of Kicks for Free, and he likes the softish ground. EUR 5 e/w, it's a lock!

Another one who supposedly fancies the softer stuff is My Way de Solzen in the Arkle Challenge Trophy at 2.35, whose connections apparently plumped for this race rather than the other, longer contests he is entered for. With the ground drying, that might yet prove unwise, but we'll stick a fiver on the nose at around 3-1.

And now for the big one, the Smurfit Kappa Champion Hurdle (3.15) to give it the full hoo-ha. Brave Inca (defending champion), Hardy Eustace (2004 & 2005) winner, and Detroit City (highly fancied young buck). Two Irish heroes of yore versus an English upstart.

But don't bet with your Gaelic heart folks! Detroit City's record is phenomenal and includes three wins at Cheltenham, including beating out Hardy into second in December. Tenner on the nose at around 2-1.

We're ignoring the last two races of the day. The Cross country at 4.40 is a daft novelty race and the last race of the day at Cheltenham is always to be avoided, a novices affair designed to separate any foolish winners from their earlier gains in an unpredictable field.

So the rest of our stake is for some long odds fun in the William Hill Trophy Handicap at 4.00. EUR 2.50 e/w on D'Argent at 20/1 - he won here on soft ground in December, although he's absolutely ancient. Another horse in this field might be more appropriate though, Heez a Dreamer at 18/1....

There's Something Vaguely Familiar About This Glittering Award Ceremony

After using its dead-eyed analytical skills and shrewd judgement to tell you why Darren Clarke would win the BBC Sports Personality of the Year award last week (an annus mirabilis for Zara Phillips and no mistake), it's only fair that TSA brings the same sagacity to bear on the field for our own national broadcaster's humble award.

Otherwise we would be subject to accusations of Anglophilia, be put on a register of some sort and be run out of town for whistling Land of Hope and Glory near playgrounds.

The RTE Sports Person of the Year (Oh! How that subtle change in nomenclature distracts us from the shamelessly ripped off origins of the award! Well done, RTE brains trust people!) shortlist does seem to glow with the light of achievement a little more than its British counterpart did.

Probably, however, that is because our status as a small nation whose flag generally flies fairly limply at international sporting events means that anything we do accomplish gets properly Olé-Olé'd until just short of the declaration of a national holiday.

Also the international isolation of the GAA means that, as someone has to win the All-Ireland in the major codes, then it can generally be said to have been a good year for at least two people within the GAA, which pads out the list a little.

Soccer gets nary a nod, having to compare itself as it does with other countries. That, however, doesn't excuse an ignominious twelve months for the game on this island. It comes to a close with the Eircom League (now, post-merger, run by those crack logistical experts, the FAI) promoting the third place team in its second tier over the second placed, due to them having more nice astro-turf pitches and such, rather than the usual, antiquated criteria of a superior points total.

Yes indeed, domestic soccer is taking administrative sporting farce to exciting new places, bookending a year that started with Walsall's assistant manager becoming the 'world-class' captain of the good ship Republic of Ireland, and was defined by that listing vessel being wrecked on the hitherto unprecarious shore of Cyprus.

Enough of absent friends, then. To the people in the tuxedos and ballgowns (on that note, pray to your God, whomsoever he may be, that we may be spared Tracy Piggott in another plunging neckline. My eyes! IT BURNS!)!

Once again the Darren Clarke issue arises. Thing is, rather than the mob-emotion of the general public being considered, the RTE award is voted for by a panel of "esteemed" experts. Chaired by Tom McGurk, the panel includes Eamon Dunphy, George Hook, Pat Spillane, Cyril Farrell, Ted Walsh and Jerry Kiernan. Therefore we can expect the casting of cold eyes of analysis on the affair, which may preclude Clarke.

Anyway, would Darren have won a public vote since the whole new girlfriend business?

- "But he's been through so much! Isn't it nice for him?"

- Is it not a bit soon though? I mean, it's not for me to say, but...."

Darren's great mate Padraig Harrington is also nominated, as befits the man who heads the European Order of Merit. One feels, however, that, until Padraig brings home the Major-flavoured bacon, the whiff of underachievement will, probably unfairly, deny him an award like this.

In GAA, Kieran Donaghy might be a contender, for the meteoric, fairytale nature of his rise, were he not lacking mantelpiece space from all the GAA and GPA awards he has squeezed into his hourse over the last few weeks. Henry Shefflin was only his usual perfection, and thus may be passed over in the manner that consistent brilliance is often taken for granted.

Non-horsey people like myself would tend to regard Aidan O'Brien as a token contender, there to represent one of the few sports in which we are a world power. But then you look at what his horses achieved this year - a fairly normal one - and you think that perhaps the esteemed RTE panel should get together only to thrash out who should finish second.

The Irish Champion Stakes and Irish Derby (Dylan Thomas), the Irish and their British equivalent (Alexandrova), the Phoenix Stakes (Holy Roman Emperor), the Critérium International (Mount Nelson), the 2000 Guineas and Queen Elizabeth II Stakes (Goerge Washington), the Ascot Gold Cup (Yeats), the Queen Anne Stakes (Ad Valorem) and the Shadwell Turf Mile at the Breeders Cup meeting in Kentucky. All were scooped by Ballydoyle this year. Phew!

Still, one imagines this award will go to someone who performed under the glare of the cameras and the pressure of the occasion, and as such a trainer like O'Brien is likely to be passed over.

In boxing there is a World (Katie Taylor) and European Champion (Bernard Dunne). As many are still a little 'iffy' about female boxing, Ms Taylor will probably be congratulated politely and sent on her way, the lads on the panel trying desperately, and failing, not to patronise her.

Dunne may get a podium place, the hoopla and excitement of his big night in the Point still fresh in the memory.

After Zara Phillips, Jessica Kurten might have a chance, but I feel the jodhpur madness must end here.

That leaves Derval O'Rourke and Paul O'Connell. Personally, I hope that O'Rourke gets it.

We're very cosy with our major sports in this country, probably because we don't have as many

successful competitors in other sports as we did in, say, the 1980s. O'Rourke deserves our attention and the recognition of this award for genuine achievement (World Indoor 60m Hurdles Champion and European (outdoor) 100m hurdles silver) in a sport we (Sonia O'Sullivan apart) have not excelled in for a long time, and in a discipline that we have generally found to technical and 'foothery' to be bothered with.

And I have a sneaking feeling Paul O'Connell will be getting to lift the team award anyway....