Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Excerpts from the Book of Munster

23 May 3006:- Academics in the field of early 21st century Irish history at Eddie Hobbs University in Dublin yesterday claimed to have uncovered a document which purports to describe the origins of the popular 'Munster Men' myths which are thought to date from this period in Ireland's past. The scrolls, which have been dubbed "the Book of Munster", describe in detail many of the legends and stories which modern Irish children have, for generations, grown up with.

Until now it was believed that these tales were entirely fictitious. Colourful characters such as O'Connell Rua, the friendly monster as beloved by his own people as he was feared by the enemy, and Rog, the warrior who, curiously, slayed his foes using only his right boot, were presumed to have been propaganda creations used to garner popular support for moving Ireland's capital from Dublin to Cork in 2116. This change became necessary, of course, due to the final completion of the sale of Dublin to Tesco in 2115.

The Book, which dates from around the year 2006, describes an unrecognisably primitive Ireland dominated by bizarre superstitions and barbaric practices. It was the lot of the average Irish person at the turn of the second millenium to spend much of their lives in desperate drudgery in what were known as 'offices', which bear no relation to the fulfillment-pods where modern Irish meditate daily to generate the nation's ample Utopium supplies.

While we have come to take for granted the efficient functioning of a thoroughly modern nation popularly known as 'the new Eden', the Irish of a millenium ago, when temporarily released from their slave-'jobs', spent their meagre allowances on 'beer', a revolting concoction suited only to the rotting of brain cells, which given the dire artistic and cultural climate of the time was probably sweet relief for our ancestors benighted grey matter.

They travelled in 'cars' (teleporting was four centuries away from invention, and even the humble levitation sky-paths of the early 22nd century were but a pipe dream) the foul discharge from which is believed to have led to the necessity of exchanging with the Andromedans Australia and Canada, in return for a new sky in 2452.

This is the miserable context which led to the Munster Men tales described in the Book. They tell of a great battle with a fearsome enemy from France, part of the modern day Belgian Empire. The battle took place in the town of Cardiff, and the book describes how during the weekend in which the battle took place the streets of the town were "painted red", a remark which is thought to refer to the bloody nature of the conflict.

The days preceding the battle appear to have been occupied with talk of "hord yords" and "fronting up in the tight" and with trepidatious whispers that the fearsome O'Connell had been wounded in a prior minor skirmish and would not be able to lead the Munster Men into battle effectively.

Every schoolchild knows what happened next, when, amidst the thunder and the terrible chaos of the battle, a "slip of a boy, not four feet in height and with the callow face of youth, summoning all the courage in his puny frame, stole in where the enemy defences were weak to strike the fatal blow." The boy was, of course, the legendary 'Stringer', whose image still adorns our coinage today, and whose tales of derring-do against the odds are used as moral instruction to Irish manhood to this day.

The book proceeds to describe the homecoming of the heroes, which in the quaint tradition of the time involved being driven in an open-topped carriage in the rain (a bizarre practice which historians believe was an ancient method of washing away the sins of battle; similar evidence has been found in relation to the 'soccer wars' of the late 20th century). They were feted in song and story and received the ultimate honour of the times, a visit to the ceremonial "Late Late Show" chapel and also the commendation of Bertie, the notorious high priest of the era.

Note: Academics often also refer to a fabled 'Book of Leinster', which was said to contain fantastical and scarcely believeable stories from around the period; however this document is believed to have been extremely flimsy and is thought to have disintegrated upon the first touch of human hand.


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