Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Valentine's Day Manager Courting Special

Suitor: England

Talent: Martin O'Neill, Guus Hiddink, Sam Allardyce, Alan Curbishley, Steve McClaren

Chances?: Despite regarding itself as a real player, England's chances of everlasting happiness are endangered by their hurt from previous messy break-ups. They always go for the complete opposite of the cad they've just got rid of: Dodgy Tel was followed by saintly Glenda, fun-loving Kev was followed by serious Sven. Now they're not sure if they fell out of love with Sven because he was foreign or because he wasn't passionate enough - or his fondness for flirting with other potential paramours. O'Neill might not be available, or else might be deterred by England's emotional baggage, and the rest are a bit too eager - and we all know how off-putting that is. Will probably end up settling for a nice, steady local fella.

Suitor: Newcastle United

Talent: Martin O'Neill, Ottmar Hitzfeld, Sven Goran Eriksson, Alan Shearer

Chances?: Gossip has it that big busty Freddie Shepherd tried it on with Sven, but the Swede was uncharacteristically disinterested. What's crystal clear is that Magpies are making a big play for O'Neill, trying to turn his head with a magnificient display of plumage. Having had a rough time of it recently, frankly the heartbreak will be too much to bear if coy Martin spurns their advances, but the Toon could find solace in the experienced hands of grizzled German lothario Ottmar Hitzfeld. Some say they're carrying a soft spot for the boy next door, but Alan Shearer's obviously not ready for a serious relationship yet.

Suitor: Rangers

Talent: Paul Le Guen, Graeme Souness

Chances?: Rangers were obviously living a lie in the latter stages of their most recent marriage, and were probably only staying together for the sake of the kids. When said kids lined up after the defeat to Hibs to shout obscenities into the parents bedroom it was clearly time to end the pretence. Catty neighbours had said that Rangers were seducing suave Frenchman Le Guen as early as last autumn - poor Alex McLeish, the shame! The humilation! It's the lies that hurt most you know!
Now its out in the open the sophisticated former Lyon beau could be finding himself attracted to a bit of rough in the south side of Glasgow - he even got his best friend to pass a note along saying he was interested last Sunday. Failing that, Graeme Souness lurks, Heathcliff-style, with dark and brooding intent, whispering about "unfinished business"....

*NOTE: Walsall will be mainly staying in tonight with a microwave meal for one, six cans of Dutch Gold and and a Jenna Jameson box set.

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