NEWS IN BRIEF...NEWS IN BRIEF...NEWS IN BRIEF...

ROONEY FEARS FOR CANTONA FUTURE
Manchester United ace Wayne Rooney has revealed that he worries for the future of washed up old pro Eric Cantona. "Eric was a hero round these parts once, though you'd never know it now", the young striker opined, as images of the bloated failed thespian caused Old Trafford fans to fear for the Red Devils legend. "I remember when he got the job on that film, Elizabeth, and he was doing all the poetry then as well, he was so good at 33. Now five or six years later at 39, finished, he can't even get a gig in ads on French telly. Finished." Rooney urged Cantona to "stick in with the acting classes and look to work your way through repertory, maybe a part in Les Mis might be on the cards".

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VLADDY'S STILL THE DADDY
Hearts's boss Graham Rix has moved quickly to reassure Jambos fans that club owner Vladimir Romanov is still picking the team. Rumours were rife yesterday on club fan websites and message boards that Rix had gone over Romanov's head and had insisted on naming the eleven to face Dundee United in last night's Scottish Premierleague clash. However the boss laughed off suggestions that he had assumed control of selection matters - chortled Rix: "Vladimir has done an excellent job all season in putting out a team that has gotten us into second place - why would I stick my nose into his business?". Romanov too slammed yesterday's rumours, adding "I can assure fans that in no way is Graham Rix having anything to do with team selection. No way at all".

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WEMBLEY BUILDERS REALLY TAKING THE MICK

The builders they have in at Wembley are really starting to get on local Football Association chairman Brian Barwick's NERVES! Barwick is having some work done on his stadium - a few new walls, some seating, new roof, play area for the kids, some landscape gardening, that sort of thing - and the blighters told him they'd have it ready for his big summer party in May. But now the doss merchants are nowhere to be found and there's an upside down wheelbarrow, three cement caked shovels and a pile of used tea-bags where the nice new royal box was supposed to be! Barwick was only mildly reassured when he finally got in touch with the foreman, O'Reilly or some such, to be told that the boys were fierce busy and not to worry, sure it'll be right as rain on the day.

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EDINBURGH BARRISTER DIGS OUT KILT

It has transpired that following the final whistle of Scotland's Six Nations triumph over France last Sunday, Fraser Mackintosh, of Edinburgh law firm Mackintosh Fairlie Mackintosh, urged wife Morag to "fetch his kilt and sporran" as, in the opinion of of Mr.Mackintosh "the time has come for Scots to rise and free ourselves from the yoke of foul Lizzie and her Sassenach henchmen, in the name of Wallace and the Bruce!". Mr Mackintosh's rebellion was subsequently quashed when Mrs. Mackintosh revealed that she had prepared his favourite, grilled sea-bass with a fennel ramoulade for his tea, and had a nice bottle of Orvieto chilling.

Mr Mackintosh accepted the terms offered.

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AND FINALLY....

Scientists working in the field of patronising football cliches are praying that this year's African Nations Cup reaches it conclusion with no further drain on the football media's dwindling Condescending Stereotype (CS) resources. "We are at dangerously low levels of CS now, the lowest perhaps since the guy from Zaire ran out of the ball to kick the ball away from the free kick against Brazil in the 1974 World Cup", Professor Charles Parsnip of European Council for Amusing Patronising Remarks announced gravely yesterday. "Pray we never return to those dark days again. The Angola v Congo match earlier in the tournament was unprecedented for the use of the word "naive" and references to questionable temperament amongst goalkeepers." With Togo, Trinidad and Angola all qualified for this year's World Cup, the strain on the globe's condescension resources could be catastrophic.