Friday, February 10, 2006

Essential Winter Olympics 2006 Checklist

Your cut-out-and-keep guide to complete enjoyment of the slippery business in Turin

1. Drug Scandal: With 8 cross-country skiers already caught on EPO, you can tick this one off already. Expect some speed-skaters and bobsleighers to be trotting out the "it was from a cold medication, honest!" excuses. Look out also for the obligatory hapless snow-boarder on weed.

2. Snow/Peace metaphor during opening ceremony: Bored commentator reading from IOC script - and unable to deviate into Wogan-style mockery under pain of death by luge - intones daft explanation of some schoolkids in white lycra jumpsuits dancing to Jean Michel Jarre music, suggesting their lame efforts will induce world-wide bad folk to down tools for the duration.

3. Poncey Barry Davies ice skating commentary: The Beeb's snooty aesthete secretly loathes football and such oikish activites, but must commentate on them to put ciabatta on the table. Professionally, he lives for the ice skating at the Winter Olympics, where he can come on like the the ballet correspondent for Le Monde with equanimity. Listen out for exclamations of "such poise and grace by the Russian pair", "a beautiful triple salko by the Canadian!", and regular cries of "Oh I say!".

4. Ice Hockey scraps: The sport has a reputation for toughness due to outbreaks of fisticuffs every five minutes, however because the players are so padded and don't even use their sticks they actually only feel a mild tickling sensation when struck. Its a bit like pub sumo wrestling really.

5. Everyone Takes 'Ironic' Interest in Curling: Because on TV curling looks a bit like Tetris, so people become similarly addicted. They watch it for hours on end and are utterly fascinated in it. Unfortunately, because of all the brushing and yelping, it is rather uncool, so to share their devotion with others people pretend to like it in an ironic way, a bit like ABBA or Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

6. Secretly wishing for a bear to attack a cross-country skier: If you were skiing through miles of snowy forest terrain in real life, surely there would be inherent dangers from the beasts that dwell therein. Olympic stewards should allow wildlife to attack competitors, with bonus points awarded for number of animals skinned along the way.

7. Brit downhill ski hope crashing into tree: The BBC give lots of airtime to the prospects of a lad whose best skiing is done on the plastic slope outside Milton Keynes; he proceeds to plummet into an unyielding conifer, breaking several limbs but recovering for chummy interview with Gary Lineker in Sports Review of the Year.

8. Finnish bloke wins Ski-jumping: Finnish people don't have cars. They ski-jump everywhere.

9. Speed Skating final ends in farcical pile-up: The world's top three short course speed-skaters are tied neck and neck going into the final lap of a thrilling Olympic Final, when one slips and takes out everyone except the thrice lapped also-ran from Lesotho, who tearfully crossing the line in a hastily spun "fulfillment of the Olympic dream".

10. Irish team decide to stay in chalet getting pissed: Shocked at being informed that they are expected to ski on the black slopes, the intrepid four person Irish team boycott the 2006 Winter Olympics on the basis that it is fecking freezing.

2 Comments:

Anonymous bookofkelly said...

Can't wait for NBC's balanced coverage of Team USA's challenge for democracy and freedom. Here's to Bode & Apolo bring home gold for the troops in eye-rack.

5:31 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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9:38 a.m.  

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