Friday, October 27, 2006

Most Accidents Happen in the Home

Yesterday the mobile phone company (or media network, or service provider, or Bond villain-style sinister telecommunications behemoth) 3 - just 3, as in 'three'. What does it mean? The IQ of the person who commissioned a marketing consultancy to come up with the company name, I should imagine - announced that, as of next week, their customers will be able to watch Eamon Dunphy pund, or whatever the verb form of pundit is, from the comfort of his sofa at home.

Dunphy will broadcast on Mondays and Fridays, providing the benefit of his erratic analysis to 3 subscribers without having to as much as tie his shoelaces. This is, apparently, a gas thing because of the fact that Dunphy loves his soup - he's a "notorious night owl" according to the report in this morning's Indo - so much that now he can tumble out of the scratcher after an evening's carousal, drop an Alka-Seltzer in a glass and crumple onto his sofa to hold forth on how manly Roy Keane is, and get paid for it!

It sounds like the dream job for a "noted reveller" like Dunphy. But does it herald a new era of slobbishness in broadcasting? Is Dunphy the pioneer for a slackening-down of TV production values, the final break with the days of dancing girls and tuxedos on the Generation Game to a brave new world of three-piece suites and background shots of Granny's photo on the mantelpiece? What next.........?

Hooky and Popey In The Bath
Outspoken and irrepressible, George Hook and his faithful sidekick, Brent Pope, bring you their famous brand of no-holds-barred rugby discussion from the steamy surrounds of Tom McGurk's jacuzzi bath. Every week the lads will discuss the major issues in Irish rugby while splish-splashing with new guest, a rubber ducky called The Claw. New features include "George's Loofah", which will see the lovable grotesque wave his trusty scrubbing sponge at the camera as he vents spleen on the unfortunate target of his ire - watch out meddling IRFU officialdom!

Cabbage Patch of the Day
Gary Lineker invites you to don wellies, grab a spade and join him in his Leicestershire allotment to look back at the day's football while he weeds his prize vegetable garden. Alan Hansen favours the no-nonsense root vegetables - trustworthy turnips and the humble spud - while Mark Lawrenson is on legumes.

Laundry with Lyster
RTE plan to 'clean up' in the ratings with this sure-fire format which sees Micheal Lyster combine his twin passions of GAA and his laundry duties in the basement of his Dublin home. Lyster is joined by Joe Brolly, who puts his visionary skills to good use in the troublesome area of pairing socks, and Colm O'Rourke, who tells it straight while helping Tomas Mulcahy fold the bedsheets. If Galway are eliminated from the Championship early, RTE hope to recruit Ger Loughnane for ironing duties.

Walker's Walk-In Closet
Legendary Formula One gibberer Murray Walker returns to our screens and talk about his passion for motor racing from within the domicile of his immaculately pressed shirts and neatly folded sweaters. Moving to the 'belts and shoes' section for his trip down memory lane, he brings it right back to the trouser department for his hard-hitting insight into today's racing game.

This one may be a one-off special.

Jimmy Hill's Sunday Supplement
In which the veteran broadcaster - now stick with me on this idea - is joined by football writers around his breakfast table to discuss....oh, erm...


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