I Am An Umpire

A Winter's day,
In an unseasonably warm October;
I am alone,
Gazing from the goalposts, in my nice white coat,
As the full-back's got the forward by the throat.

I am a rock,
I am an Umpire.

I've got my flags,
I signal them for scores,
That none may question,
I see all kinds of violence, but never tell the ref,
To screams of pain my ears are always deaf.

I am a rock,
I am an Umpire.

Don't talk of discipline,
Well I've heard the word before,
It's sleeping that I'd rather be,
I won't disturb my quiet life of raising little flags,
If I interfered they'd tear my coat to rags.

I am a rock,
I am an Umpire.

(Guitar solo, possibly accompanied by jaunty, flagwaving dance)

I have my books,
And my poetry to protect me,
That I read when play's at the other end,
The punches they may fly, or stamping in the eye,
But it's got nothing whatsoever to do with me.

I am a rock,
I am an Umpire.

And a rock feels no pain,
And an Umpire never cries.