Alternative England World Cup Anthems
It was announced today that lumpen indie journeymen Embrace are to be given the dubious honour of recording England's official World Cup anthem, the latest band entrusted with the task of regaining for the genre the credibilty briefly won by New Order's seminal World In Motion.
The title of the track, World at Your Feet, with its tiresome play on words, bodes ill for their prospects. In the spirit of the august Sun newspaper (you know when they accompany some fabricated titbit of news with an hilarious top ten of punned song titles - for example if there was a story about frog's legs being served in a restaurant in Newcastle, the songs would be Frog on the Tyne, The Long and Winding Toad, Newt Kids on the Block etc.) here are the songs Embrace should be miming to on Top of the Pops...
1. Don't Wanna Miss a Pen - Aerosmith
2. When Two Tribes Go to War - Frankie Goes to Hollywood (to be released in the event of a sleepy German hamlet getting the Bomber Harris treatment)
3. Sven Where's Yer Troosers - Andy Stewart (frisky high-jinks in the corridors of England's castle base are inevitable)
4. Lonely at the Top - Randy Newman (a paean to Peter Crouch as he bangs his head off another dressing room door)
5. You're So Vain - Carly Simon (as David Beckham smoulders for the cameras before driving yet another free-kick into the wall)
6. Every Breath You Take - The Police (BBC and ITV bring us exclusive breaking news on what Jamie Carragher had for breakfast)
7. Without You I'm Nothing - Placebo (Sven in reflective mood on his fear of Wayne Rooney getting injured)
8. I'm So Excited - Pointer Sister (whipped up by a tabloid frenzy, the English nation interprets workmanlike victory over Trinidad & Tobago as evidence of certain glory)
9. Crying - Roy Orbison (Rooney's dismissal in quarter-final defeat to Brazil leads to Gazza-style waterworks, nation takes red-faced blubberer into hearts, buys cash-in, ghost-written World Cup Diary in droves)
10. I Shall Be Released - Bob Dylan (Sven celebrates freedom from nation of gossip-crazed prudes and attentions of rabid, xenophobic tabloid press)