"Press the Red Button To Mute Andy Gray"

In yesterday's Observer there was a brief mention of the success of a recent experiment in the U.S.A. to broadcast an American football match with no commentary, and also of the ratings boost which the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation received when its announcers went on strike last year.

In conversation with a close TSA consigliere last night, the possibilities of this development were excitedly expanded on. Given that modern sports commentators (in particular, but not exclusively, those assigned to football) seem to exist to provide a service to the viewer ranging from the statement of the bleeding obvious, to downright irritation bordering on fury, we contemplated the utopian time - surely close at hand in these interactive days - when viewers can elect to mute all commentary and enjoy the match as nature intended, with only the roar of the crowd and the peep of the referees whistle as accompaniment.

Never again would we be burdened by Motty's belief that his upcoming pointless statistic should be accorded the lead-in of "interestingly enough". No more would our Sunday afternoon slumber be disturbed by the lupine growl of Andy Gray, howling "OPEN THE TOP DRAWER, TAKE THAT GOAL, AND PUT IT IN - THAT'S HOW GOOD THAT WAS!!". We would be spared the unfortunate sound of a bewildered Jimmy Magee trying to pronounce the name of Arsenal's latest wonderkid from the Ivory Coast. We could live out our days in the contentment brought about by never again having to hear Clive Tyldesley refer to "that night in Barcelona" every time a team requires two goals in injury time.

Of course the "Colemanballs" industry, which has spread from Private Eye to the pages of just about every football website and 'offbeat' sports column, would not appreciate such a development and for all his faults, no-one would like to see John Motson standing with a placard outside Broadcasting House, yelling "Scab, Scab, Scab!" as Garth Crooks is bundled inside by police escort under a hail of angrily flung microphones....

On second thoughts....