Thursday, February 23, 2006

TSA News in Brief...TSA News in Brief...TSA News in Brief...


LONDON:-Andrew Murray's meteoric rise continued apace as the teenage British tennis star finally overtook Cecil "Spiffer" Jenkins as the British no.1, following is victory over Lleyton Hewitt in the SAP Open Final in San Jose. Jenkins, who won the Eton School Doubles title in 1898 and 1901 accompanied by loyal chum Walter Clothbottom, topped the LTA rankings for decades since his historic victory in the 1905 Henley Village Racquets Jamboree. He also notched up the mixed doubles crown alongside sweetheart Emily Morningside. It is regarded as unlikely, however, that Murray will surpass Jenkins in adding the West Chiltington All-comers Conkers title to his roll of honour.



DUBLIN:-Rugby star Gavin Henson and aging crooner Tom Jones today signed a historic agreement which will see them tighten their already steely grip on Wales' tan stocks. Henson and Jones are believed to control 98% of the country's pigmentation resources, and it is thought the new accord will strengthen their dominance. Human rights activists have decried the concentration of Welsh tan in Henson and Jones' hands, pointing to the dangerous levels of paleness endured by much of the population. As Welsh rugby supporters gathered in Dublin today, sporting their traditional pasty, freckled countenances, many experts predicted that it would be some years before most Welsh people looked "in any way healthy, or attractive at all".

LANCASHIRE:-It was tally-ho and up for the Cup for thousands of ruddy faced northern folk today, as the followers of Manchester United and Wigan Athletic boarded locomotives and omnibuses destined for the Big Match in Cardiff on Sunday. Coal mines and cotton mills lay silent, and flat caps were donned as the intrepid hordes ventured south, their spirits heightened no doubt by copious flagons of frothy ale! Look at this fellow: hasn't seen a bath in weeks, but he won't let his filthy odour dampen his good humour! Win, lose or draw, these cheery masses will enjoy a good drink and a fight afterwards, and go back to their slums happy as sandboys!

DUBLIN:- It has been reported today that an incident of banter occurred last night in a Dublin pub between two inebriated GAA fans. One fan, who hailed from the southwest county of Kerry is believed to have baited a fellow drinker, thought to have been a local Dublin native, stating that "ye Dubs, sure ye are only gurriers, the Kingdom would make mincemeat of ye". The Dublin resident is reported to have responded swiftly "At least we bleedin' bet dem nordies up in T'rone, and we bet them in the row as well, more than you culchies managed anyway!". The banter apparently continued in this vein until the barman, a Longford native, appeared, and was subjected by the erstwhile adversaries to a two-pronged "slagging" attack regarding his county's footballing prowess.


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