Monday, February 27, 2006

Shall We Sing A Song For You?

It was announced yesterday that Robbie Williams has become a shareholder in Port Vale FC, the pop star parting with an undisclosed amount of his ill-gotten gains to help alleviate the League One club's penury. Williams, who grew up in Stoke-on-Trent and is a lifelong Vale fan, may not be every pop picker's cup of tea, but represents a rare injection of glamour for the Black Country toilers. Many other clubs enjoy support from the musical fraternity - but not all of them endow their clubs with that elusive rock 'n' roll cool.

So is your club more Cliff Richard than Keith Richards?

MANCHESTER UNITED
Keef: Ian Brown (Stone Roses), Richard Ashcroft (The Verve), Tim Burgess (The Charlatans)

Cliff: Mick Hucknall (Simply Red)

Thankfully this investigation only applies to the music world, as the presence of the oleaginous Northern Irish triumvirate of Messrs Holmes, Kielty and Nesbitt would otherwise have counted strongly against United. As it is, the mighty Ian Brown, ably backed by fellow charismatic, floppy haired indie gods Ashcroft and Burgess, are just about enough to outcool the archetypal ginger prat, Mick Hucknall.

LIVERPOOL
Keef:
Elvis Costello, Ian McCulloch (Echo and the Bunnymen), Ian Broudie (Lightening Seeds). Er, Gerry Marsden? (Gerry and the Pacemakers)

Cliff: Cilla Black, Mel C, Mark Owen, Chris De Burgh

For a city with such a reknowned musical heritage, this is a surprisingly tough call. A solid line-up of credibility is almost completely undermined by the presence of the Argentine babysitter-fancier and his soft-focus schmaltz. Some may wonder at the absence of any member of the Beatles, but there is little evidence of any real Fab fanaticism for the Reds. Saving 'Pool's bacon on a technicality is the presence on the bench of the late, great John Peel, not a musician per se, but then, well, he was John Peel after all...

ARSENAL
Keef: John "Johnny Rotten" Lydon (Sex Pistols)

Cliff: Appleton sisters (All Saints), Dido, Rachel Stevens

Arsenal's celebrity fans tend to be the of the TV or literary type, and the musical wing of their fanbase is worryingly heavy on manufactured popettes. In years gone by the support of the original sultan of sneer and punk legend Lydon would have safely ensured the Gunners cache, but these days - since the I'm A Celebrity appearance - the former Mr Rotten is merely a day-glo irritant, as dangerous as Aled Jones, despite what he himself may think.

TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR
Keef/Cliff (interchangeable, depending on your attitude to 'irony' in music): Chas 'n' Dave, Status Quo

Definitely Cliff: Phil Collins

Now bear with me on this one. Can you really dismiss the group which brought us Ossie's Dream? Or the majesty of Snooker Loopy and Rabbit? Please, they should be headlining Glastonbury every year. Supported by the Quo. For Collins, see Hucknall, replacing 'ginger' with 'bald'.

MANCHESTER CITY
Keef: Noel Gallagher (Oasis)

Cliff: Liam Gallagher (Oasis)

Big bro is the creator of the soundtrack to the mid-90s, an entertaining and actually rather engaging fellow - and, one gets the feeling, conscious of his group's limitations. Little bro genuinely thinks he is the reincarnation of John Lennon and apparently thought that Spinal Tap was a real documentary. Berk.

CELTIC
Keef: Mogwai, Primal Scream, Teenage Fanclub, Fran Healy (Travis), Rod (circa Maggie Mae)

Cliff: Jim Kerr (Simple Minds), Rod (circa Do Ya Think I'm Sexy)

Decent line-up here, with Mogwai, the mighty Scream and the venerable Fannies the highlights of a high indie-cred bunch. Almost scuppered by the poor man's Bono and the hugely disturbing memory of Mr Stewart in lycra leggings. But then he does have a football pitch in his back yard, kicks balls into the crowd at gigs and mentioned Celtic in a song from his 1970s heyday, so you can't doubt the lad's commitment.

RANGERS
Keef: Ian McCallum (Stiff Little Fingers guitarist), Midge Ure

Cliff: Wet Wet Wet.

Nuff said.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Dunner said...

Dear Sir,

Might I remind TSA that many of it's readers are ginger, and perhaps even a little bald as well.
You may consider this to be 'unfortunate'. We, in the ginger community, thouroughly abhor the comments made about the outstanding talents of Mick Hucknall.

Your etc etc
Disgruntled
London

12:48 p.m.  
Blogger DrCelt said...

look what you've done now, you've risen a ginger Jihad! and wiath til the baldies get started

12:58 p.m.  
Blogger Tommy77 said...

Dunner, I assure you, the use of the words "ginger" and "bald" was purely in a descriptive sense, and the prattishness of the two gentlemen in question is sufficient without reference to their unfortunate tonsorial situations...

3:51 p.m.  

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