Tuesday, July 10, 2007

All The Fund of the Unfair

Football Association headquarters, Soho Square, London. FA big cheese requests meeting with West Ham United to resolve questions over the prospective sale of Carlos Tevez.

FA: So who owns this Tevez guy?

West Ham: Us!

FA: Really? How much did you pay for him?

WH: Er, it was undisclosed.

FA: Ok, disclose it then.

WH: Ummmmm....no.

FA: Ok, so if Manchester United want to buy Tevez, presumably they pay you the fee then.

WH: Yes.

Media Sports Investments: (BURSTING THROUGH THE DOOR) Not bloomin' likely, I think you'll find.

FA: What's this all about?

WH: Oh never mind them, you know these shady foreign sorts coming into English football, can't trust 'em, can you?

MSI: Hey, hey! Hang on a minute! Shady foreign sort or not, we want what's coming to us! We kept schtum during the hearings about this nonsensical "tearing up" of our contract so you could keep Tevez for the rest of the season. Don't think we're going to let you away with what's rightfully ours!

FA: Wait just a moment here! I thought you said that you owned this Tevez fellow, and that was the end of it, and that whatever funny business went on in the past was forgotten. Goodness gracious, we've had irate Yorkshiremen - and their lawyers - banging on the door since May, bleating on about "how it were just not reet!"

WH: We do own 'im guv. Head to toe. No doubt about it.

FA: So any transfer fee paid for his services must be entirely yours then.

WH: Yeah, yeah....(LOOKS AT MSI, WHO STARES THREATENINGLY)...well, not all. Can't we give some to them?(JABS THUMB TOWARD MSI)

FA: What do you mean, some?

WH: A bit, maybe.

MSI: The bloody lot, you mean.

FA: But I thought he was yours, this fellow, in his entirety, no doubt about it. Didn't you pay a transfer fee for him? What was it.....

WH: Undisclosed.

FA: Yes, undisclosed...oh this is most unsatisfactory, I thought we'd gotten rid of this lot.

MSI: We're still here you know.

FA: Who are you anyway?

MSI: We're a London based international investment fund. Led by Iranian businessman Kia Joorabchian, MSI has a number of investors based mainly in Britain and Russia..

FA: Why did you tail off like that, it suggests something shifty is afoot?

MSI: Really? Sorry, that's just the way we're described on our website.

FA: So you're an investment fund, and this website claims that among your "current investments" is this Carlos Tevez fellow, the root of the blasted problem.

MSI: Got it in one. $20 million in 2004 we spent on the lad.

FA: So Tevez is an investment of yours, and you quite fancy that any transfer monies recouped on his sale would be forwarded to you in the guise of, well, a return on your investment.

MSI: You're catching on.

FA: Hmmm, quite reasonable, I suppose. Oh dear, I rather think we have botched this job up somehow. I thought those Sheffield characters were simply labouring under some typical northern chippiness and inbuilt sense of grievance. Seems we've rather shafted them with this endeavour.

WH: Hey ho, all's well eh? Them's the breaks!

FA: Enough out of you, with your shady deals. When you said the agreement with this fund had been "torn up", you had actually proceeded to sellotape it back together, didn't you?

WH: Heh, you've a funny way of putting things.

FA: Right, enough of this. "We are in blood stepped so far that to return would be more tedious than go o'er".

MSI: (TO SELF) Bloody English, always with the Shakespeare.

FA: Let's cobble together a face saving statement which says that West Ham will receive the transfer fee in full, seeing as how they own this player of course, then you can sort this lot out under the table....(TO SELF) so much for our bungs enquiry...and keep this quiet, I don't want Sean Bean picketing my house again!

WH: A wise and sensible suggestion, guv.

MSI: A well conceived resolution.

FA: (TO WH) You, get out of my sight. (TO MSI) So you're an investment fund you say? I'm intrigued, do go on....


Anonymous Boghopper04 said...

Very funny. Jump on the bash West Ham bandwagon. How dare we have some money and try to compete with the top 5 or 6 clubs. Tevez and Mascherano at a club like West Ham?? Thats ridiculous, how can that be?
Lets bash them

6:36 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

yh u iz a cunt dikhead

6:44 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

well done mate (Anonymous Above).
You must have educated at one of the great learning seats, such a handle on the english language!

And what strong arguments! like u iz a cunt, and dickhead.

Pikey scum, suprised you can use a computer let alone have the financial muscle to own one!

7:00 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

well said Tom,

this stinks to high heaven

wot a jolly bunch of racists and gangsters

7:08 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ill informed rantings of a tosser !!

7:17 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very amusing except the PL rules aren't against 3rd party ownership (Mascherano at Liverpool!), but 3rd party influence, which in this case was the contractual right of MSI to sell the players without regard to West Ham or the players, but perhaps could also take the form of... well let's say refusing to allow a player to play against a former club, not that I imagine any PL club other than WHU would act in such an underhand fashion.
With regard to Tevez being sold to MU, I don't believe the PL will require anything more than the transfer monies being paid to the selling club i.e. WH, which I guess will then be passed over to MSI as compensation for the unilateral breaking of their contract, which seems fair and nobody loses. Except Sheffield United, which is of course also the reason why they have been relegated.

8:37 p.m.  
Anonymous Alan said...

Yikes! Irish Blogs Awards me arse, you know you've truly made it in the Blogosphere when a light-hearted, tongue-in-cheek piece about the shady dealings in the transfer market elicits hysterical, badly-written replies from "Anonymous" correspondents. Well done Tom, keep up the good work.

10:27 p.m.  
Blogger Tommy77 said...

Fantastic! I may not agree with you, Anonymous 6.44pm, but I will defend to the death your right to call me a cunt dikhead!

Of course, we all know Anonymous 6.44pm was actually Sir Trevor....

11:54 p.m.  

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