Santa's Sporting Almanac
Actually I'm quite a trim gent, physically more similar to a Sigmund Freud or a later years John Gielgud than the morbidly obese pie-fiend you'd expect. You have to be to get the sleigh-speeds up, especially on the long Pacific crossing. The Honolulu to Yokohama run is the acid test of your aerodynamism, and on these modern fibre-glass sleighs, every ounce counts. I humbly request that people leave out some hummus and Ryvita for my refreshment, rather than the traditional coronary inducing fare.
Anyway, let's have a look at these letters. Ok, my favourite part: naughty people.
Straight to the bin with Ashley Cole's letter. Wants another £5,000 a week - greedy, greedy boy; Craig Bellamy's not getting that Scalextrix either (I know he was acquitted of that assault charge, but I haven't been to his house since, at the age of four, he called his kindergarten teacher a f**king c***; hence I have no idea of the way); Sven Goran Eriksson - the English FA may have voluntary paid him £4 million a year, but it still amounts to robbery in my book. Nothing in the stocking for Kieran Fallon either - that child is simply wilful.
My elves have been telling me that Graeme Dott has, tick-like, sucked the last vestiges of colour and excitement from the game of snooker, leaving nothing but Ronnie O'Sullivan's madness in his wake. No quirky new waistcoat for you, young Dott.
Marco Materazzi can forget about those new goatee trimmers he is begging pathetically for. What a rotter! Yes he may have been ostensibly the wronged party, receiving as he did a rather forceful butt on the chest from a deranged Frenchman. But when that deranged Frenchman is charismatic football legend and star of arthouse cinema, Zinedine Zidane, and you've suggested that his mother is a foreign national who plies her trade in the wee small hours around Marseilles's less salubrious quarters...well, take that sir!Now, I have a package here for Sammy Allardyce....hang on a mo! What's this about a bungs report? Elves!!